Sometimes in life you’re almost forced to make a big life decision because, well, it just becomes too hard to not make it!
I made the decision to move home in February after climbing the walls with a kind of manic anxiety… which forced me to pray, sit down and do some writing and get clear on what was going on! My heart told me “Enough is enough – it’s time to go back to my homeland”; I wasn’t even conscious of it being Waitangi Day that day but upon that realisation it felt like another confirmation.
This was accompanied by a great sense of peace and acceptance that it was the right thing to do… for me this is what I look for when making a big life decision now… God’s peace. That feeling of peace at the time of making the decision is something I have had to continually remind myself of right through the process, until now.
Sometimes we are pulled uncontrollably to a decision. A decision based not on rational thought but on the indefinable heart’s yearnings. Suddenly we are thrown from our mapped course and find ourselves in a place seemingly without an anchor.
Yet we hold onto that moment of clarity, of great peace that occurred at the junction of letting go of what we know and have planned, and upon contemplation of this new path. Yes, that feeling, that seemed significant, upon it I will build this new life.
Life in Melbourne was good, great even. I was comfortable with my routine, my friends, my hobbies, my plans for the future. It has been hard to let go and consider an alternative to what I had in mind. The decision to come back was a heart level decision, and it’s taken my mind some time to catch up and accept this on a kind of rational level… although I think I’m still processing it!
It’s difficult to come home without a job to go into, waiting on the financial security before establishing a home of my own (thank God for kind and patient family that are happy for me to stay short-term). For someone who is happiest with routine and structure to her weeks, this time has been challenging. Some days I’m able to enjoy the freedom, other days I get sick with worry and fall into a kind of daze that sucks the energy from me.
After being here a week or so I decided that Marlborough is really where I want to stay… after all I made the move to be close to family and be involved in their lives, yet a few weeks have passed and I’m yet to even be asked for a job interview. The jobs available are few and far between and often are simply not a good fit for me.
People are telling me to go door knocking but the idea repels me, and where would I start? Everyone has a different opinion on where I should go and what I should be doing – which is difficult to navigate – “No, I don’t want to work for a winery. Why? I don’t drink! I have no interest in working for a company whose product/service I don’t believe in.” “No, I can’t do sales… No I can’t do retail… No, I won’t do vineyard work”… picky I may be, but I also know that the ‘success’ of the move back here will depend upon my level of work satisfaction. I know from the past I cannot do a job that doesn’t mentally challenge me, or is overly repetitive or monotonous as it interferes with my mental health. And thus I am reminded of how difficult I find this; staying strong in my own convictions for what is right for me in the face of my family’s expectations / lists of ‘should’s. So now I am again considering Wellington or Christchurch for the meantime… somewhere that’s still close by, and I’m able to get back for a weekend easily enough… but I am also able to find a role that gives me financial security and a professional satisfaction.
This is a challenge for my faith, and through all this I keep talking to God, I am trying hard to trust, and I keep reminding myself to make no fear-based decisions – simply do the next right thing, and wait for God’s peace for the big decisions. I had envisioned a few weeks here before finding my way, so I am reminding myself to be patient, everything will come to pass in His timing and He has good things planned for me.